Last date without children
As soon as we arrived in Madrid, I realized this would be our last date without children.
Basically, since the beginning of our marriage, I've been quite intensively looking for opportunities to spend time together just the two of us.
After a few months after the birth of our first son, my husband and I arranged a few hours in the sauna, pool, and whirlpool. Meanwhile, my mom drove the baby around in the stroller.
Even if it was just for a moment, it was worth all the effort to arrange, agree, schedule, think up...
It was kind of my marital mantra. And for a long time, I really believed that this was the path to a happy marriage with children.
From everywhere I heard that the relationship fades after the arrival of children, when the couple doesn't spend time together. That it's important to spend time together without children.
And it probably worked.
We went to the cinema, to dinner, for walks, to lectures. Sometimes even at night. Then for two.
But over time, I started to notice something special.
That this shared time with my husband is actually mainly about me.
That sometimes I need a moment to just get away from everything—coming deep from within me.
That next to my husband, without children, I'm looking for myself.
And that maybe I'm looking for it where I won't really find it.
When we arranged and paid for our longest stay without the care of children (at that time only with a year-old baby), I was close to one realization.
A certain one, which is difficult to explain. And yet, everyone understands it.
That I'm not just ME. Not even ME and HIM.
But that I'm a MOM.
That is, me and the children.
How do I get to know myself in this new role? How do I perceive it? What does it actually mean?
I still don't know that completely.
But I know that this is my new part. A part that I love, need, and admire.
And that's why I want to gradually get to know it.
Slowly. But responsibly.
It's nice to be alone sometimes. Or just with my husband.
But carefully.
Children are fragile and demanding.
I already know that when my children are without me for a long time, or often, it's not always easy to reconnect with them. And through that, to feel my own wholeness again.